At about mid morning yesterday I overheard a young woman crying softly. As I listened, her voice grew louder, and I realised that one next door neighbour, a banker, had been "panel-beating" his wife. I went to an open window facing their direction, to try to hear more clearly, and the lady was saying, amid sobsFacebook.romised never to beat me up again. What have I done now? Is it because of this small thing?" I could not imagine what the "small thing" was, but what got me was the realisation that this wasn't the first time he was beating her up, and still she remained there, deluding herself that it wouldn't happen again.
And I thought to myself, if this young lady has come all the way to this guy's house to receive physical beatings in the name of love, what would she endure from someone who hates her? Big paradox! This guy loves her so much, so he beats the hell out of her every once in a while, just to prove his love! What would he do to her if he hated her? Well, the young man ignored her sobs, and a little later, could be heard telling her he left some money on the table; she should use it to do so and so for him before he comes back. This was followed by the banging of their front door and the sound of a car starting: he was gone.
It pains me to the marrow how a pretty young woman like this lady in question could get into a situation where a man who claims to love her converts her into an object with which to practice martial arts. Why do women do this to themselves? Someone said sometime ago that today's young women are attracted more by "swag" than by intelligence and character. If this is true, then what really is "swag"? Does it include having a thuggish and violent nature? And since it's only after the woman has said "Yes" that a relationship or a marriage can begin, how can our young women be taught to recognize the kind of man to say yes to and the kind to say no to? What role should parents play in this?
Several years ago, a woman I used to know in one of the Federal Ministries sued her husband for a divorce, after just one year of marriage. Her reason was that the man brutalised her morning and night, almost every day. The last one landed her on a hospital bed, and after being discharged a week later, she called it quits with him. I got to know from a colleague of hers that the beatings started long before they got married. She would often turn up for work in the morning sporting a black eye. They warned her not to marry him, but she said she loved him, and that he had promised to change. After the marriage, the situation only worsened. She was lucky to get out just in time, but many others have not been so lucky. Some have gotten out in body bags, while others have gotten out maimed, their spirits broken, their lives destroyed.
No, I do not believe in divorce, but I also do not believe that any woman should feel that for whatever reason, whether religious, cultural or other, she needs to stay on in a marriage or relationship in which she's being physically abused. I know that women sometimes do things that their men find extremely offensive, but why adopt beating as a solution in such an instance? Why not just even walk away from that woman, if you feel you can no longer stand the sight of her? Better still, why not control your anger, and realize that you too are not perfect? Many a time, women get beaten up just for having the "temerity" to question something stupid that their men had done. The holy book says, "Can two walk together except they are agreed?" I believe that intending couples should agree on certain fundamental things at the beginning of a relationship; and among those things should be mutual respect and a method of conflict resolution.
For example, six years ago, while speaking to male Ministers at a meeting in Jos, the General Overseer of my church, Pastor Enoch Adeboye, told us that when he married his wife, the two of them were relatively young, in their mid twenties, and some people around them expected that they would soon be quarrelling a lot. So they both sat down and agreed: Whenever one of us notices that the other is angry with him/her, that one must keep quiet and not say a word to the one that is angry until the anger has died down. Again, they agreed: As much as possible, we'll do everything together, even cooking. As of when this meeting took place in 2009, they had been married for 40 years, and this method had worked beautifully for them through all those years. And one thing that those who attended that meeting may not forget in a hurry was that, while teaching on that day, Adeboye, who studied at the University of Nigeria, Nsukka, stunned everybody by using the Ibo word, "Efulefu", to describe the man who beats up his wife. An "Efulefu" is someone who is mentally retarded, an imbecile. Osigbeme Daniel Osi', you were at that meeting.
There's a type of character that makes for a harmonious relationship in the home, and both men and women must strive to cultivate this kind of character, if they want to succeed in marriage. And it seems to me that what is called love tends to be understood differently by different people. But whatever be our interpretation of love in a relationship, if it does not include seeking each other's happiness, if it does not include giving of yourself in a self sacrificial manner, if it does not include deep, unconditional respect for the one you love, then it is fake love. Even the holy book indicates that love is about giving. "God so loved the world that he gave..." (John 3:16) Against this backdrop, where we find that between two people who claim to be in love, each is seeking his/her own way, and each is seeking to take and not to give, it means they do not know what love really is. Where such ignorance drives a relationship, we are more likely to see competition rather than cooperation. And if at any time, the relationship encounters a real test, whether from within or from without, the couple would have no clear principles on which to fall back, with the result that they begin to behave more like enemies than friends to each other.
Love is nothing, unless it comes with discipline, integrity, and a deep desire to add value to the life of the one you love. And especially for the men, the love you're bringing to the table is nothing, unless it comes with a sincere appreciation of the woman's personhood, and a recognition of the fact that just like yourself, she needs respect and support. So you were taught that as an "African man", women are inferior to you and you can do with them as you please? Very well then. Go and marry the imbeciles who taught you that nonsense, and show them how much of an African man you've become, because if you come near my sister, I'll kill you, I swear! Women should watch out! Forget swag! Forget the name of his father or where he works! Oh yes, there's nothing wrong with marrying a rich man or one who is from a well known family, but you must be absolutely sure that he's not a monster dressed in a cloak of naira notes! After the wedding, when all the guests have gone and left the two of you alone, comes the moment of truth. Focus on knowing what is inside of the man and what real value he is offering you, not on what is on the outside, because no matter his condition today, a man of character and vision will still get to any level he wants to in life! And keep those legs of yours tightly closed while you're at it, so you don't get distracted! This is not about religion, it is about being practical! While following your heart, as they say, don't leave your head behind!
As far as I am concerned, a man who claims to love you and turns around to use you as a punching bag is a liar. He hasn't even begun to understand the meaning of love. And if you're still deluding yourself that he loves you, what do you propose to show to the world as the evidence of that love of his? Your scars? Sister, na you go tire o!
Article written by Chris Nkwocha, you can follow him on facebook
1 comment:
Hmmm,,nice article,,only weak n armature dude will raise their hands on their women
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