1. A wedding dress made of meat. Obviously.
2. Or a thong wedding dress? Or a wedding dress made completely out of fishnets? Maybe a wedding dress with a built-in nip slip? Any wedding dress that allows for some gratuitous nudity.
Maybe all of the above combined with the meat dress?
3. At least four wig changes during the ceremony.
Minimum.
4. And at least one weird headpiece for the reception.
5. She gets carried down the aisle in an egg and is birthed at the altar...
6. While “Yoü And I” plays.
They did meet on the set of the “Yoü And I” music video. In the video they get married (coincidence!) and also splashed around naked as mermaids (typical Lady Gaga stuff).
7. The flower girl and ring bearer are Gaga’s French bulldog, Asia, and her “honorary” dog, Fozzi Bear, respectively.
8. And her bridesmaids are the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
9. There’s a performance art piece about...something mid-ceremony.
Don’t worry, Lady Gaga will explain it to everyone afterwards.
10. Tony Bennett walks Lady Gaga(‘s egg, see No. 5) down the aisle.
No offense to the real Mister Gaga. They’re just really hot right now.
11. The most dramatic vows ever.
Again, obviously.
12. Madonna objects when the priest asks if there are any objections.
It’s the only sensible way to keep those feud rumors alive.
13. Lady Gaga and Taylor Kinney both get drenched in blood during their first kiss and husband and wife.
14. For their first dance, Lady Gaga performs the choreography from the “Telephone” video with Beyoncé.
But if Honey B can’t make it to the ceremony -- she didn’t go to Kanye’s wedding and they seem like they actually keep in touch -- Taylor Kinney can do her part. We’re OK with that.
15. Instead of a toast, everyone does paws up. Why not?
16. A real-life unicorn.
If every single one of these things doesn’t happen, consider this wedding a FLOP. Just kidding, Lady Gaga. You’ll be a beautiful bride. In a meat dress. (That one does need to happen.)
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