Yesterday, I saw a post that read , " I want my first marriage to be my
only marriage." Well , is it not what we all wanted and prayed for ?
But sometimes life itself happens , and things don't work out the way we
fantasized them.
Last week , during my conversation with one of my friends , she mentioned feeling bad for a dear friend , who is going through difficulties in her marriage ; the lady is the second wife of the second marriage to her husband . I was meant to understand that he is a very difficult person and a husband to deal with .
I mentioned to my friend that before anyone , especially a Nigerian woman , with everything I know now , will pack up her bags and say I no do again for marriage; she must have fasted , prayed and probably endured to the point that she had to vomit the overflow.
Am not saying that all women are angels and all men are evil but ,statistically speaking , and based on our culture as a society, women are more disadvantaged . Yes , I agree that some people change , but how often and when they will get their epiphany to change remains a mystery which you might probably have to spend a life time waiting for it to happen !
If you are single Nigerian woman , and think you have to undergo some many premarital testing like : proving that you can cook , clean , do jackie in the bedroom and fast and pray when he cheats before a the guy will finally make up his mind if he wants to marry you or not , because he feels he is doing you a favour ; sister consider that as a waka pass simple inspection , a preamble . If you are divorced, especially if you are a woman , you not only have to go through the first waka pass test ,in fact as a divorcee , you will require an additional FBI , homeland security , full body scan , heart and intentions monitoring device check .
You will have to , and is required to answer to all the whys , whats , when , have you , did you , should have , would have , chineke ekwe kwa la ihe ojor (God forbid bad thing ) questions. He will also do all the mental calculations of what people will say , what his mother , brother , sister and friends will say , how he is going to take care of and raise another mans kids and the list goes on .
But you know what , I personally don't blame them or have any problems with that . To be honest , anyone who is going into a relationship with someone who has been married before and is asking all these questions deserves answers !
It is only fair to ask these questions because marriage is sacred ; at one point in time , two people saw each other loved each other , got married , and now divorced !
There must be a fundamental reason why the love they felt for each other died and divorce became the only option and resolution of this fundamental difference .
Also , we have to understand that when a relationship ends , when divorce occurs , sometimes the people involved makes it becomes a contest .
In fact , olympics need to organize a who can tell the most outrageous lies during a divorce contest . So People try to smear the other person because they are no longer with them .
Some men try to smear their ex wives with normal cliché statements like :she is a prostitute , gold digger , lesbian, wicked , thief , etc and some women on their own part will use the usual story line of : domestic violence , infidelity and not providing for his family . Family takes sides , finger pointing becomes so ridiculous that attention is taken away from the main issue , the elephant in the room because everyone involved is trying to playing to the victim and get friends and family on their side .
So when you meet someone , who has been previously married , please don't fall for all those pity tales and stories that itches the bumbum you will be told .
Get to know the person, watch out for red flags , for their behavioural patterns , temperaments , consistency in character , their values , beliefs , how they have lived , managed and conducted themselves and lives after the divorce , what they do for a living and their source of income .
These little things speak volume about a person ; whatever you see is who they are , thats who you are going to be dealing with and not the stories you must have heard or have been told by them based on self justifications. So if you going into this relationship, be sure you know them and what you are signing up for because everyone has a story , but the credibility of the story is what should matter to you .
Now , coming to you , the person who has been in a previous relationship and thinking about second missionary journey as I call it ; don't be offended when you get asked these questions because it is the person's right to know ! Beside him/her, You don't owe anybody else around them an explanation .
Also , we always say we want someone who will accept us and our kids ; and as a divorced single mother , I totally agree with this , my kids are non-negotiable .
But to be realistic and fair , you also have to make your situation acceptable and manageable .
Yes , everyone has their baggage, I personally will love to know the weight , height ,size and content of the load that am about to carry ! I want to be mentally, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually and physically prepared for it !
You don't want someone to inherit your baby father or mama drama . Fix yourself, fix your situation ; if you have kids and there is contact with the ex , make sure you have a fixed consented or court ordered visitations scheduled arrangements and consistent time when these visits will happen .
I personally will not want a baby mama showing up at different times and days in my house , this is called be considered and realistic.
You have to lay all your cards on the table , let the person know if it is what that can handle or not ; don't say ABD and omit C as a strategy to get him/her , personally I hate surprises and it is totally unfair to the other person , Love is transparency .
For all that is worth, if you know deep inside that you did everything that you could have done , your conscience is clear , your life was at risk , your dignity respect , fundamental human rights , the principles of marriage were not respected , and you chose life instead of six feet and took a walk ; please don't beat yourself up !
As ridiculous as your situation might sound , the universe has a funny way of rotating , and God himself is a God of restoration .
There is nothing wrong with you, so please stop acting like there is any .
Treat yourself as any other single girl/guy out there because you are indeed single in your own unique way .
Take care of yourself and remember, in whatever you do ; regardless of you being the one marrying or remarrying , always tell the other person the truth ! It is their right to know !
Written by Nora Oma Patrick
Last week , during my conversation with one of my friends , she mentioned feeling bad for a dear friend , who is going through difficulties in her marriage ; the lady is the second wife of the second marriage to her husband . I was meant to understand that he is a very difficult person and a husband to deal with .
I mentioned to my friend that before anyone , especially a Nigerian woman , with everything I know now , will pack up her bags and say I no do again for marriage; she must have fasted , prayed and probably endured to the point that she had to vomit the overflow.
Am not saying that all women are angels and all men are evil but ,statistically speaking , and based on our culture as a society, women are more disadvantaged . Yes , I agree that some people change , but how often and when they will get their epiphany to change remains a mystery which you might probably have to spend a life time waiting for it to happen !
If you are single Nigerian woman , and think you have to undergo some many premarital testing like : proving that you can cook , clean , do jackie in the bedroom and fast and pray when he cheats before a the guy will finally make up his mind if he wants to marry you or not , because he feels he is doing you a favour ; sister consider that as a waka pass simple inspection , a preamble . If you are divorced, especially if you are a woman , you not only have to go through the first waka pass test ,in fact as a divorcee , you will require an additional FBI , homeland security , full body scan , heart and intentions monitoring device check .
You will have to , and is required to answer to all the whys , whats , when , have you , did you , should have , would have , chineke ekwe kwa la ihe ojor (God forbid bad thing ) questions. He will also do all the mental calculations of what people will say , what his mother , brother , sister and friends will say , how he is going to take care of and raise another mans kids and the list goes on .
But you know what , I personally don't blame them or have any problems with that . To be honest , anyone who is going into a relationship with someone who has been married before and is asking all these questions deserves answers !
It is only fair to ask these questions because marriage is sacred ; at one point in time , two people saw each other loved each other , got married , and now divorced !
There must be a fundamental reason why the love they felt for each other died and divorce became the only option and resolution of this fundamental difference .
Also , we have to understand that when a relationship ends , when divorce occurs , sometimes the people involved makes it becomes a contest .
In fact , olympics need to organize a who can tell the most outrageous lies during a divorce contest . So People try to smear the other person because they are no longer with them .
Some men try to smear their ex wives with normal cliché statements like :she is a prostitute , gold digger , lesbian, wicked , thief , etc and some women on their own part will use the usual story line of : domestic violence , infidelity and not providing for his family . Family takes sides , finger pointing becomes so ridiculous that attention is taken away from the main issue , the elephant in the room because everyone involved is trying to playing to the victim and get friends and family on their side .
So when you meet someone , who has been previously married , please don't fall for all those pity tales and stories that itches the bumbum you will be told .
Get to know the person, watch out for red flags , for their behavioural patterns , temperaments , consistency in character , their values , beliefs , how they have lived , managed and conducted themselves and lives after the divorce , what they do for a living and their source of income .
These little things speak volume about a person ; whatever you see is who they are , thats who you are going to be dealing with and not the stories you must have heard or have been told by them based on self justifications. So if you going into this relationship, be sure you know them and what you are signing up for because everyone has a story , but the credibility of the story is what should matter to you .
Now , coming to you , the person who has been in a previous relationship and thinking about second missionary journey as I call it ; don't be offended when you get asked these questions because it is the person's right to know ! Beside him/her, You don't owe anybody else around them an explanation .
Also , we always say we want someone who will accept us and our kids ; and as a divorced single mother , I totally agree with this , my kids are non-negotiable .
But to be realistic and fair , you also have to make your situation acceptable and manageable .
Yes , everyone has their baggage, I personally will love to know the weight , height ,size and content of the load that am about to carry ! I want to be mentally, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually and physically prepared for it !
You don't want someone to inherit your baby father or mama drama . Fix yourself, fix your situation ; if you have kids and there is contact with the ex , make sure you have a fixed consented or court ordered visitations scheduled arrangements and consistent time when these visits will happen .
I personally will not want a baby mama showing up at different times and days in my house , this is called be considered and realistic.
You have to lay all your cards on the table , let the person know if it is what that can handle or not ; don't say ABD and omit C as a strategy to get him/her , personally I hate surprises and it is totally unfair to the other person , Love is transparency .
For all that is worth, if you know deep inside that you did everything that you could have done , your conscience is clear , your life was at risk , your dignity respect , fundamental human rights , the principles of marriage were not respected , and you chose life instead of six feet and took a walk ; please don't beat yourself up !
As ridiculous as your situation might sound , the universe has a funny way of rotating , and God himself is a God of restoration .
There is nothing wrong with you, so please stop acting like there is any .
Treat yourself as any other single girl/guy out there because you are indeed single in your own unique way .
Take care of yourself and remember, in whatever you do ; regardless of you being the one marrying or remarrying , always tell the other person the truth ! It is their right to know !
Written by Nora Oma Patrick
2 comments:
This is pretty cool this lady is brtilliant
Hmmmm,,interesting..
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